Thursday, November 29, 2012

In all the craziness I am Thankful

Life has been hectic, crazy and plain ole sad.  I still have so much I want to document on here, but I find that I am lacking in the time and gumption part  ;)

I am very blessed that God led us to homeschooling this year.  I could not have gotten through the last two months if I hadn't.  Mom was diagnosed with cancer in June, went though 5 rounds of Chemo and underwent surgery in October.  She had an 8 1/2 hour surgery on October 25.  She had issues with swelling internally, and became septic.  After several more surgeries/procedures, we as a family had to decide on what course to take.  It was the easiest and hardest conversation we had to do.  Mom had made her wishes clear on what she deemed acceptable as quality of life.  This was not it and it would not have been what she wanted in the long run.  On Monday, October 29th, we turned off all machines and let mom "go".   Since that day, not a day goes by that I don't think about mom and wonder if she "knew" certain things.  I ache that I didn't call more and spend more time with her.  I have been sad, frustrated and just wanted to be lazy- all of which I cannot do while homeschooling.  I have been quick to anger and in voicing that frustration.  My kids have struggled and I feel that I have';t been much help to them.  I have found myself on a slippery slope....and I have to get off. 

Over Thanksgiving we went to Dad's house.  Usually the men hunt and Mom and I hold down the fort.  This year I spent it going through things and trying to be Thankful.  The men still hunted, and I am thankful for that.  Dad needed to be in the woods and with Matt.  But it was hard.  I made a choice to be thankful for the blessings that i have.  I have so many- My husband, my kids, my dad, the time I had with mom and so much more. 

I wanted to write this down- to remind myself to be grateful and thankful in all things.  When the days get hard, that I have so much to be happy about.  I can be sad and miss mom, but I can't live there.